A Girl's Guide for Overcoming Oratane

I have been getting a lot of messages from young women about their Oratane/Accutane treatments. The majority of these girls have been extremely scared about starting the process due to the negative effects it can have on the skin. Since I was on the treatment in 2015, I want to share my experience and a bit of advice to console anyone who wants to take on this daunting journey. 

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A DOCTOR.

Q:  How Long Did It Take for Oratane to work?

I was on the 20mg dosage for 6 months. It honestly started working for me after the three months I was in. The first three months brought out all my pimples, and the last three months was the disappearing phase of it all. I think by the end of the fourth month, my skin was so silky smooth. 

Q: How Effective was Oratane for you? 

Oratane literally elevated my self-esteem and confidence. Having the smooth skin, and having no pimples come is really great. Before I went on Oratane, I had pimples that turned really dark and sometimes into scars. Self-love is so important, and if you really want to take care of your skin, I recommend Oratane. However, dermatologists usually have other methods - but usually, if you have a lot of acne, you will go on Oratane. 

Tip #1: 

It gets worse, but it also gets way better. 

The first few months will probably be the hardest months for you. All your pimples will start to come out at the same time. During this time, I genuinely urge you to remain positive. One thing that is important during this journey is mindfulness. Keeping a positive mind will allow you to not focus on the bad acne on your face. Make sure you also have a good support system i.e. family and friends who are willing to understand your journey and do activities that make you feel better rather than make you feel bad about it. At the end of the day, if you do have a friend who constantly teases you about your skin when you are done with your skincare process, I assure you that negative friend will be very very jealous of your beautiful face. 

Tip #2: 

How to Deal with the Side Effects: 

The biggest concern that you should have is the effect Oratane will have on your liver. After my six months journey, I had to take a blood test, and my dermatologist had told me that my liver enzymes levels had risen. Thus, I do not drink alcohol (I never was a drinker), and I watch what I eat. I suggest that you drink a lot of water to ensure your liver enzymes will not be affected. 

Dry Skin - It will happen. You can not avoid this one. However, one product that I really used and still use to this day is Vaseline. (Get the scented ones - like the Aloe Vera or Cocoa Butter), or if you are not into Vaseline, you can buy the Eucerin Intensive Lip Care.  Also, ensure you are using a facial cream and face wash that helps with dryness. (Check out Cetaphil)

DO NOT WAIT FOR YOUR SKIN TO BE DRY TO PUT THESE PRODUCTS ON. 

Be proactive. The moment you start taking those pills, start moisturising your lips. There is no such thing as too much moisturising when you are on Oratane. I promise you, it will help a lot. 

Carry eye drops.  Your eyes will also get dry. So find eye drops that will you like. 

Tip #3: 

Never Give Up

You put in all this effort, time, money and energy. I promise you do not give up. If you are concerned about your partner leaving you, then that partner was never loyal. I was in a relationship during my Oratane period, and there were times I never ever wanted to go out, but my ex-partner made me feel much better and continued to cheer me up. People will probably look at you, but they are telling themselves that you are a brave person for taking on such a daunting journey that leads up to nothing but clear skin and amazing selfies. 

Here is a photographic journey of my treatment: May 2015 - September 2015. 

11 June 2015 (Pimples are visible)

17th July 2015 (Pimples are turning into small dark patches - thus drying process) 

August/September 2015 (Peeling time) 

 

27th September 2015 - the Last pill was taken. Clear Skin. 

1st October 2016 - No Pimples in sight. Clear Skin. 

Checking Your Privilege: University Protest Edition

Let's just get into the swing of things, shall we?

No need for me to explain why I have not been blogging recently, as you currently see, 2016 has been busy.

As we speak, students around the nation are protesting against Mr (Spend ALL our Money on Dermatologist fees) Nzimande's announcement on Monday. His announcement was a huge "K" on a WhatsApp group chat to Universities and the reaction from students has been justified.

The students' intentions are clear: Free Education in our lifetime. Our protest is not just about one thing as our hashtag suggests, it is inherently intersectional, spanning various yet interrelated sociopolitical and economic issues. It is about making education, not a privilege but a right for everyone to gain access to equal and quality education. EDUCATION IS A HUMAN RIGHT. (Check the Freedom Charter).

However, as students soldier on with a clear and justified message, the rest of South Africa does not really get the picture. This week alone, I have dealt with a lot of ignorant posts that label students as hooligans and thugs due to the media's coverage of the protests.

So let this blog post be a guide to any ignorant and or privileged person out there for when you are just too tired to explain your pro Fees must Fall stance.

"Fees won't fall if you keep damaging property." 
"All these disruptive hooligans that call themselves students..." 
"Funny how they all pay for their education and get student loans... Your folks must pay to subsidise her education while she gets a job ahead of you." 

A: Focusing solely on the vandalised property during the #FeesMustFall is a very naive thing to do. Why is it assumed that all students are vandals and lazy? The actions of a few are hogging headlines because it is sensational. These violent incidents distract from the core of the movement. BTW: White people in Europe also protest, and burn, and loot, and participate in acts of vandalism. There will always be humans in any country in the world who WILL take advantage of a protest movement to express anger through violence. So don't make this a racial thing in which only "black people in this country are hooligans", go to Europe mmkay?

"Fees must fall is a waste of time." 
"Free education is not possible, it can never happen."
"Fees must fall is retarded." 

A: The Fees Must Fall movement is a strong, important and brave movement. And the students especially women leading it are amazing. Focus on their ideas, hear what they are saying. Don't just sit back and watch the videos of violence. It won't get you anywhere.

"But if you look at what the media is saying..." 

A: LOL. NO. The media is probably the worst tool you could use. If you think you are being Albert Einstein by making your objective analysis from the media, then I have to tell you that you are wrong. The media does selective reporting to gain ratings. So if students are sitting and blocking entry into the university, they will not film it. But the moment a student picks up a rock and throws it in self-defense, the media goes wild.
It is up to you, the viewer to apply critical thought and view these movements from a nuanced perspective. If not, enjoy wallowing in your ignorance.

HOWEVER - IF YOU CHOOSE TO WALLOW IN YOUR IGORNANCE - THEN DO NOT COMMENT ON THE MOVEMENTS IN WHICH YOU ARE NOT PARTICIPATING IN.

(Chief, it is simple.)

"Then maybe you should go to a car dealership and ask for a free car? Free education is not possible!" 

A: Listen, fighting for free education is perhaps one of the noblest struggles of the 21st century because education is everything. It must be free. Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. (Remember who said that? Yes, Nelson Mandela.) We live in a capitalist system that is based on exclusion and WE will not stop trying to make the world better because of the discomfort it gives you.

If anything we should ONLY be discussing how we can make free education possible. ALL OF US. Private and Public Sector combined. As taxpayers, we all have shares in South Africa and we want it to function well. Quality Education FOR ALL  is one of those gears to make it successful.

"But what about us who want to learn?" 
A: WHAT. DO. YOU. THINK. WE. ARE. PROTESTING. FOR?
(Do you think we are protesting for parties and drugs? Really?) 

Moaning about burning buildings and dismissing the goal of free education as unattainable and unhelpful is unwelcome. Why don't you and your mates talk about what we CAN do to make it possible?

Decolonisation is already happening. And the process is obviously going to be uncomfortable for the privileged ones. The reason why students are protesting is because they want the system that comforts you to be dismantled. And for the system that benefits an exclusive few to benefit EVERYONE.

IT IS SIMPLE.

What the students are doing is making history. These students are breaking ground and digging foundations for their futures and the many generations to come. Let US pass along the shovels and help dig.

(You dig?)

Dear Ignorant Men

Well Why NOT?

Why not celebrate the very beings who brought you on this planet, who gave you life. And yet, you will disrespect the women by slut-shaming, by degrading and by exploiting the very being of women. WHY?

Why have so much control over a powerful nature that can either make you or break you. Women are not created for your own sexual fantasy or for your own entertainment? When will the day come when you can actually respect women without waiting for Mothers Day or Women's month to do so?
When will the day come when you will start to respect minority groups especially the LGBTQI+ community without feeling threatened because "gay people threaten your masculinity"...


Why should we wait for Women's Month for men to realize our self-worth?

So many questions and not enough answers.

MEN - I call on you to start seeing our value and worth in society. We are power. We are excellence. How many times do we have to tell you that just because we are pro women that do not mean we are anti-men. The reason we are always sharing feminist posts is simple. We can not breathe. Society places this chokehold on us to tell us how to behave, that being a slut is bad and that being too innocent is boring. That breastfeeding your child is wrong, and that being too ambitious is a crime. We continue to share feminist posts because we are trying to show you that we can not continue to exist in a social system in which our worth is determined by YOU. We can not continue to live in a social system that continues to disrespect our instruction: NO.

NO DOES NOT MEAN CONVINCE ME.
How long must we teach to you NO means NO. And yet you will continuously justify your actions based on how we look or how we act. Respect my individuality. Respect my space. But most of all - respect my womanhood.

Do not call us delusional when a real problem exists in a society that is voiced by thousands of women on a daily problem.

The problem is not with us. The problem with you.

And you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Sincerely
An OUTSPOKEN INDEPENDENT STRONG BLACK WOMAN.

Sexual Objectification #STOPIT

First and foremost, apologies for the delayed post. 2016. Basically. 


The concept of objectification owes much work to Simone de Beauvoir regarding the basic dualism of human consciousness between the Self and the Other. There is this general mental process where humans classify the world into 'us' and 'them'.

Women are universally viewed as the Other across all cultures, a role which is both externally imposed and internalized, and which means that women are generally not truly regarded as fully human. An important point of de Beauvoir's was that this Othering effect is the same whether women are viewed as wholly inferior or if feminity is viewed as mysterious and morally superior: "Otherness and full equality can not exist."

Now, when it comes to sexual objectification - this concept can be understood as the viewing of people solely as de-personalized objects of desired instead of as individuals with complex personalities and desires/plans of their own. This is done by speaking/thinking of women especially as only their bodies, either the whole body or as fetishizes body parts. ("Damn, but that booty doe. I gotta tap that.")

SEXUAL ATTRACTION IS NOT THE SAME AS SEXUAL OBJECTIFICATION. Objectification only occurs when the individuality of the desired person is not acknowledged. Pornography, prostitution, sexual harassment, and the representation of women in mass media are all examples of common objectification.

Another informal term that bugs me is: 'Jungle Fever.' Now you might think how is that jungle fever as a term is racist? And here is my response to that.

A fetish is racist because you do not treat them as equal to yourself. You have a mindset of what that person is supposed to look and act based on their race. A fetish is not a healthy attraction. It is a disgusting fixture on an individual based on their race. By fetishizing someone, you are stripping one's own individuality and reducing them to their race, which you probably view them as a stereotype.

Jungle fever - the word jungle. What comes from the jungle? Animals. In society, animals are not equal to humans, and that is what you are doing by proclaiming you have jungle fever.

(YES YOU READ IT PENNY SPARROW AND OTHER RACISTS. ANIMALS ARE NOT EQUAL TO HUMANS.)

Now you are probably going to comment on this and say: "But my (insert race here) friend/significant other does not mind that I have jungle fever. Stop taking it so seriously."

Booboo. Do not use your friends race to justify your fetish/racism. Your friends are not your ticket out of racism. Just because your (insert race here) friend does not have a problem with it, does not make it okay.







Assigned Readings: Just For Control. 

Dawn M. Szymanski and Stacy L. Henning. Sex Roles. Volume 56, Numbers 1-2. January 2011.

http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11199-006-9147-3

Dawn M. Szymanski, Lauren B. Moffitt and Erika R. Carr. Sexual Objectification of Women: Advances to Theory and Research. The Counselling Psychologist: Sage. 2011.
https://www.apa.org/education/ce/sexual-objectification.pdf

This is Male Privilege

It is so hard for people to understand subtle things. 

I have had to explain this notion to numerous male acquaintances and I am hoping that a blog post would create a better understanding. Please understand that in no way am I attacking the male entity, but I am just giving a voice to the subject that needs enlightenment.

So first and foremost: Male Privilege. And yes, if you are a guy you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking, I don't have privilege because of my gender, I also have struggles. But just hear me out. Awareness is the first step, and by disregarding an experience won't help you. It is easy to rattle off examples, but when it comes to actually understanding how these examples affect your life, and how your engagement with them affects others, it is a different story. I am not speaking on behalf of ALL women, however, I am giving a personal take on male privilege. It is not right, it is not normative.
By highlighting this problem, we (women) are not just saying "this is wrong, so let's fix it." Instead, we're inviting you to consider the impact of gender inequality on your life and I am encouraging you to make a change for your sake and for the sake of your community and humanity.

I am sure many women have had experiences in which they are have been approached in public by men who enter their private space and comment on their physical appearance. This has happened to me countless of times. My own personal experience of this occurred yesterday after my long day at university. I proceeded to my car and a male stranger entered my private space to tell me that "my butt needs to be put to better use." But even in broad daylight, with many students around, I still felt uncomfortable to call him out on his behaviour. I simply decided to laugh and say "Thanks." I felt really sad at that very moment, that I couldn't stand up to him because I did not feel safe and that my laughing to him could be misconstrued as being okay with that experience and not just a defense mechanism ingrained into me by society.

Later that day, when explaining this incident to a male friend, I was simply told that: "He was just complimenting you and your physicality, Candice. There is nothing to get angry at." To him, it was all the proof he needed that my view that all types of "compliments", especially from male strangers to females, that being uncomfortable was ridiculous. The very fact that my feminity is meant to attract and please men led me to another realization this week.

It made me realize that most people think feminity is an act to impress men. It also made me realize that there are a lot of people who are convinced that men and women are completely equal in modern society. Like my law lecturer from last year said, the law exists, but what practical function does it hold in society. So yes, you could argue that women have many laws and rights that protect them, but what about societies mental perceptions and ills? Where is the protection in that? This belief that "women have it easy" is a ludicrous assertion.

Male privilege is a direct consequence of Patriarchy. In modern society, men will always be placed on the top. Men consistently achieve, succeed and benefit at the expense of every other gender.

This is male privilege.

But here is the thing, male privilege funny enough hurts everyone, including you. This is because accessing and deconstructing the concept often requires you to conform to a toxic norm of masculinity. And we all know this norm, the idea that "real men" are the ones who don't show their emotions, who solely value sports and physical strength, who don't reach out for help when they need support.

And I also know that no man completely fits into this narrow box of masculinity and that our society is unforgiving toward people who don't fit what they're supposed to be. (If you don't believe me, read my post: The P Word: Dissecting Patriarchy 101 for beginners).

So we have to face the ways traditional masculinity is rewarded with privilege in order to liberate everyone from the painful trap of societies oppressive boxes.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A BAD PERSON TO BENEFIT FROM MALE PRIVILEGE, AND RECOGNIZING YOUR PRIVILEGE DOES NOT MEAN SAYING YOU DO NOT DESERVE GOOD THINGS.  (You dig?)

But once you understand that these often invisible perks are not available to everyone, you can see why addressing privilege means recognizing that people of ALL genders deserve equal access to basic respect for our humanity.

(And I am so happy that you are this far into the article and reading it, you are taking steps to make a change). 

Let us acknowledge that male privilege is real. I will list and give you examples of what privilege looks like, however, it will not give an explanation as to what privilege really means. Examples of male privilege demonstrate how the patriarchy shows up - but they are not representations of every man's life, at every moment. They are not things that only men have ever experienced.

IT IS JUST MORE LIKELY THAT YOU WILL GET THESE BENEFITS IF YOU ARE A MAN BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPPORTED BY THE SYSTEM OF PATRIARCHY. 

A man walking alone at night generally has the privilege of not being targeted for gender-based violence, BUT a man of color may have to worry about being targeted for racist violence. A gay man could be the target of homophobic violence. My point here is that there are other systems of oppression because patriarchy does not exist in a vacuum. And also, my point is to show how intersectionality (how different forms of systemic oppression intersect) matters.

Our experiences in childhood and education plant the seeds for our identities throughout our entire lives.

So let's play a game called spot the male privilege! 

1. People give you toys that are more likely to be education toys to develop a range of skills, and to let you imagine a range of career possibilities - while toys considered "girl toys" are often limited to beauty, housework and childcare.
2. You can be assertive without being told to "not be so bossy."
3. Adults compliment you more for your abilities rather than only your looks, and you are not taught that the important thing about you is your appearance.
4. School dress codes don't suggest that your body is inherently shameful or unprofessional, unlike girls who are told that it's up to them to cover up - "remember ladies the four finger principle with your skirts that your counselors did in high school?" or "remember how girls could not wear colorful bras, as it would distract students from learning?"
5. You can make choices to have both career and family without people assuming it is a challenge or an unusual achievement for you to have it all.
6. You can get upset at work without people blaming your emotions on "hormones," "PMS," or "being oversensitive."
7. Your gender is more represented in higher paid positions. For instance, women are fewer than 5% of Fortune 500 CEOS.
8. A character of your gender in an ensemble cast (Marvel/DC comics) is less likely to be objectified as a sex symbol in posters and advertisements like women superheroes are.
9. You are more likely to be congratulated for having lots of sex, rather than shamed for it or called a slut.
And lastly: You are not expected to change your name if you get married or questioned if you don't.

(If you want a much more comprehensive list, feel free to ask me.)

So I like to end my blogs off with an idealistic image that things could change. However, I believe that this is the world we are living in, inequality from casual interactions that are deeply entrenched with gender norms, creating social, legal and health consequences for people who are not men.

I think the best we "woke" kids/adults can do is build awareness. Sharing resources to raise awareness and it is also important that you notice how we are contributing to these harmful cultural norms.

A Simple Guide To Understanding White Privilege

Most of the time, when people hear the word "white privilege" it tends to end in heated arguments. The most common response is how: "I have to work hard as everyone else", "People of Color have affirmative action or BEE, let's get over the whole race thing." and the most typical line: "Stop making EVERYTHING about race." 

These comments that I have read lately have started to frustrate me and has now led to this - a blog post about what EXACTLY is white privilege. 

In today's lesson, we will start with the basic foundations. 

If you have gotten this far, this means that you are interested in wanting to know what exactly WP is. White privilege is defined as “a term for societal privileges that benefit white people in Western countries beyond what is commonly experienced by non­-white people under the same social, political, or economic circumstances.”

In other words, in Western countries, white people are to be considered the "normal" whilst people of color are to be considered different. 

White privilege is simply the fact that majority of beauty products are meant to cater for the 'normal' group, causing a lot of beauty products to not work properly on People of Color (POC) skin or hair. As a black girl, finding my shampoo is nearly impossible, and when I do it is in an aisle labeled something like “ethnic products” and costs a lot more than “normal” shampoo.

A lot of people use the fact that POC have designated TV channels (BET, Mzansi Magic), groups, laws and other spaces as a pointer for white privilege not existing. If anything, these prove the fact that white privilege exists, because there doesn’t have to be a White Entertainment Channel for white people to see themselves playing a majority of the roles.

In high school, I always used to envy the girls that society appreciated. That is what society wanted and accepted. I, a black woman was seen as the deviant. The other that should not be regarded in society. White girls and boys are taught from birth through the media that they are beautiful and desirable while POC children are taught the exact opposite. So phrases and movements like Black Girls Are Magic exist to empower Women of Color and remind them that they are just as good. They are not put in place to say Women of Color are “better.” Most of the laws, groups, channels and other spaces made for POC were created because white people either refused to listen or allow POC to fit their standards of “good enough,” so POC created a safe place for themselves to grow and feel confident.

Don't agree with the previous paragraph? Let's discuss the "All lives Matter" movement. In Chicago, America, more people die in this state compared to the lives lost in Iraq and Afghanistan COMBINED. Don't believe me? Watch Spike Lee's Chiraq movie. Earlier this month, a young black boy was shot and killed for carrying a toy gun. Many things were said, but the statement that resonated with me was: Black lives clearly do not matter. "When a white man is stopped in America, he has the opportunity to justify himself for carrying a weapon. When a black man is seen with carrying a suspicious object, he is shot and killed." We can not override the Black lives matter movement because black bodies are worthless. The justice system has failed many black people in America, and it SHOULD be fair to give the minority the protection they require and DESERVE. White people who fail to see the importance of the movement, are further marginalizing People of color.

Now, let's see how South Africa practices White Privilege:

There are many highly skilled and qualified black professionals however they tend to remain junior managers and window dressers in Corporate South Africa, including the famous Hart Bank aka Standard Bank where there is only one black person in the eight-member white male Executive Committee. To add on to this, thousands more black graduates remain unemployed because they "lack experience." This is the democratic dividend which reproduces white privilege. And we as South Africans are expected to forgive and forget and not "think in racial terms."

The truth of the matter is:

No matter how many #screwbeauty campaigns we have, eurocentric standards will still be the norm, and people of color will always be deemed as the other.

No matter the fact is that 90% of American mass shootings are done by white men, the American Justice system will continue to paint people of color as violent.

No matter how many times we talk about white privilege, many people will sweep under the rug and tell people of color to forget about it.

Now let me, at least, make people of color experiences a bit clear for readers:

As a POC, whenever you bring up the unfairness or injustice of your race, people will not regard your experiences. THIS IS FRUSTRATING.

As a POC, you have to be careful of what you name your children, so that in the future when our children go for job interviews, they will sound "hireable."

As a POC, when you speak proper English and get good grades, YOU will ALWAYS be compared to the "normal" people.  You are going to be told that you "sound white"  or "act white" therefore being accepted and assimilated into society.

As a POC, you are constantly thinking about your behavior in order to reject the stereotypes society has created. Black girls are usually - loud, fierce, hard to get, ANGRY, poor, and oversexualized. I am always having to prove these notions wrong in a society that claims that you can be whoever you want to be.

NOW, White privilege doesn’t mean that white people can’t have hard lives, it’s saying that their lives won’t be hard because they are white. If a POC’s name doesn’t sound hireable enough, they could be rejected from a job that they need and deserve simply because of a stereotype. A privilege is anything you have or get that you don’t have to think about. Imagine being denied opportunities in life-based on the premise of your skin color and not on the premise of your character.

This is a simple request:

The next time you start complaining about the fact that you could not find parking at the shopping mall, or you broke your iPhone screen, take a moment to listen to your friends who find their own race to be a struggle, who find society judging them because of the color of their own skin.

Kind Regards

A Loving, Opinionated BLACK WOMAN.

The P Word: Dissecting Patriarchy 101 for beginners

In this blog, I will observe the effects that the oppressive system called patriarchy has on the male entity. I tend to always throw advice in my blog, but in this post, I will only comment and view rather than instruct. I will also not generalize on the male entity as it can bring negative comments. 

Co Attributor: Sabelo Dlamini. (@sabelo_jay_dlamini) 

My female friends always tell me that they struggle to understand men. "That men just don't get it", or "men are so hard to understand". But are they really? Are we as women not giving the time to see how patriarchy, [a system that oppress both women and men but allows for men to be superior] in fact lets men be difficult on themselves? I shall elaborate.

Let's start first by confirming that patriarchy is the single most life-threatening social disease assaulting the male body. However most men do not use the word patriarchy in everyday life, I am pretty sure they do not how it is created and sustained, or even how to spell it. Men who usually associate the word patriarchy, tend to associate it with the bra burning, radical feminists, But I digress. Patriarchy is a political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak, especially females and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak to maintain their power. Now based on that definition,  I shall observe how this oppressive system is self-harming to the male entity.

We are aware that women's role in society is to serve, to be weak, to be free from the burden of thinking, to caretake and nurture others. Men's role in society is to be served, to provide, to be strong, to think, strategize, and plan. Men are taught that their value would be determined by his will to do violence (albeit in appropriate settings). Men are taught not to express their feelings.  We can argue how these roles in the 21st century have changed, but let's stick to the traditional roles.

What happens when men do not fulfill these roles? How does society attack the outlier? Now many men admit that they have been brought up in a household that does not instill patriarchal values. My one friend even mentioned how he was allowed to play with barbie dolls, but that it was the society that initiated him into patriarchy values. When men e been initiated into patriarchy, we force them to feel pain and to deny their feelings. Although I might not have enough personal stories to share, it can be accepted that the tyrannical power of patriarchy still holds us captive.

It is also important to observe that patriarchal thinkers are common to females and males and that the male entity is not the only entity to sustain patriarchal values. Most of us learned patriarchal attitudes in our family of origin, and they were usually taught to us by our mothers. Still to this day, my mom frowns upon the fact that I have the skill to connect the amplifier to other devices, but will praise me when I am cleaning, cooking and washing. From home, these patriarchal attitudes are reinforced in schools and religious institutions. Since 2002, women were only allowed to be ordained to be priests and deacons. Weird. We can not assume that men are the sole teachers of patriarchal thinking.

The silence promotes our denial. We can not deny, that men do oppress women. We can not deny that women promote patriarchal values. We can not deny that this oppressive system allows for the domination of men to prosper in society. Now, we as a "woke" generation need to come up with solutions to address how to enlighten men and break their shackles from the mental and psychological oppression. We are so quick to scream "foul" for racial injustices, but when our sisters and brothers are being beaten, raped and marginalized by a social system, we remain silent. WE can not remain silent anymore. I will not stand for the future generation to fall to this system, we need to do something for both entities.

A tale of two worlds

This is a piece that I decided to write about from the perspective of a girl and boy about the teaching and prevention of rape. I feel that rape culture is something that needs to be discussed with all gender classes. I hope you do enjoy it, and I hope that you can be brave to have discussions about something that can and does have an impact of all of us. 

Girl: My school was fairly progressive; they even taught contraception in our sex education class. 

Boy: When I was 14, my dad handed me a box of condoms, and said, "You know how to use these, right?" 

Girl: We were taught which preventative methods were the most effective. 

Girl: And where to go if something broke

Both: What to take, how to fix

Girl: This mess you've gotten yourself into. We were taught about herpes, and gonorrhea and syphilis. 

Both: And how to keep all your fluids to yourself. 

Boy: My friends taught me which clinics wouldn't tell my parents 

Girl: Which ones handed out free condoms

Both: But I was never taught that there are worse things that could happen than a baby or a disease

Girl: Yeah, we learned about roofies

Boy: We learned to respect when a woman says 'No.' 

Girl: We learned about protecting your drink, carrying pepper spray

Boy: We learned what to do when a woman is assaulted

Both: But not that this could happen to me

Girl: I was a virgin when I was raped for the first time

Boy: When IT happened to me, it was 10 AM, and my parents were home

Both: My textbook hadn't described the way I wouldn't even try to fight, there was no paragraph for how to stop them without making a scene. 

Girl: There wasn't a worksheet for how to stop him without waking my parents

Boy: there was no correct answer to her threats of suicide when I wasn't in the mood.

Girl: There was no manual for the police victim

Both: You know, it wasn;t like they said it'd be

Girl: I was sober, he was sober 

Both: We were...

Girl: 17

Boy: 15

Girl: They didn't teach me that I wouldn't know how to protect myself

Both: That my lungs would close up, and we would make pretend husband and wife, make pretend love. 

Boy: The thing about pretend

Both: Is that it flattens everything to one color 

Boy: It makes it too simple 

Girl: It makes it one syllable 

Boy: I learned that if you don't scream

Both: No one will listen to you

Boy: They don't write about the ones that got away

Girl: I learned that foundation comes in different shades

Both: No one wants to hear 

Girl: The struggles that are associated with your skin color 

Boy: They only ask how you're doing

Girl: I don't wanna blame my school 

Boy: I don't wanna blame her

Girl: I don't wanna blame my church, or my mother or even the boy 

Boy: We were just children

Girl: But this is preventable

Both: So someone must be responsible for preventing it, we can teach this better. 

Boy: Some paintings are built from a thousand points of color

Girl: If you stand too close, a sunset becomes just speckles of red dots.

Boy: We teach that rape is always a man in an alley 

Girl: Always a clenched jaw and a closed fist

Boy: Always a stained white shirt

Girl: But I never used my pepper spray 

Boy: I never had to worry about an uncle in a locked room 

Both: Do not confuse one story for all stories 

Girl: Do not stare at a red dot and say...

Both: The whole painting is just one color

Who Were You Before the World Told You Who You Should Be?

Unfuck Yourself. 

Yes, I said it. Un FUCK yourself. You are probably confused by what I mean,  but I shall elaborate. You are also probably confused by the long title of this post, but the title is the crux of the post.

You are also probably confused at how society judges you for your fashion sense, or how you carry yourself when you are amongst family and friends. You are extremely confused at how society tells you to be yourself and when you are, you are told through advertising that your kind is the outliers.

And the only way to be accepted in society, you are required to dress a certain way and act a certain way. All these instructions as to how you behave ultimately lead to the question: Are you free?

Are you free to live in a society to not be judged based on whether your hair is curly or straight?
Are you free to live in a society that will judge you based on your character and not make generalisations on the basis of your skin?

When have we ever been free when we have been instructed as to how to conduct ourselves with regards to our personal expression of ourselves.

How many times have you said "She is so ugly"; "Look at her weird face"; and the moment that oppressed individual attempts to fix themselves with the use of makeup, society is already condemning the use of too much make up and "false advertising". It seems like it is a lose-lose situation. No matter how hard you try to fit in, society will always find something wrong with you in order to make you feel not beautiful.

Well here's my advice. Unfuck yourself. Society has been so busy penetrating your soul, that it is time that you be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your shine. You are ALL beautiful, don't let anyone tell you differently, not even yourself.

To Tinder or Not to Tinder?

“Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.”

-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.

The 21st century is definitely a very interesting time. We are bestowed with technology and gadgets that aim to make our lives easier. But what about our love life? Have we lost touch with the idea of meeting "the one" at a cafe or bumping into the "love of our life" in public areas?

Applications like Tinder in which a user can log in with their facebook account allows for the user to choose their own preferences and "swipe left" for rejecting and "swipe right" for accepting their ideal bachelor or bachelorette.

I personally have used the application, and I am making the decision to delete it. Here are a few reasons:

Tinder is regarded as a dating application, however, my problem lies with the majority of the users (that have matched with me) intentions are to meet up for sexual relations. I understand we live in a free world, but just being immersed into a world of sexual relations is draining for the soul.

A beautiful phenomenon, love is now being commercialised into a social activity.  The swiping left and swiping right has become a mindless routine, and instead of focusing on one's personality, the higher chance of you receiving a match will be only based on your physical appearance.

In conclusion, it should be pointed out that love should never be used as a capitalist gain. The fact that users have the option to pay a subscription fee to receive a premium package is just obtuse. Call me a pessimist, but swiping left and swiping right to find the love of your life is kinda dull.

Why Do Men Only Want A Party In Our Pants?

Before I start with this post, I just wanted to put a Disclaimer out there, that this post is very very biased. I do not mean to offend the male entity, but I do mean to try and change the mindset of the male mind, and note I did say TRY.


It has come to my attention, that through my experience and through my close friends experiences, the men in our lives tend to just want to have a party in our pants. Now as I sit here and type out this blog, I recently had a conversation with a guy that I have known for some time. And luckily (this barely happens), he asked me to drinks for Sunday evening. I wasn't really feeling it, but I decided to wait before responding too soon.

But...
Then I really got to thinking.


What else are you supposed to do when you're hungover, watching soccer or rugby? There is only one reason a guy would want to go out on a Sunday night: because he didn't get laid over the weekend. Boom. I am a freaking genius and my thoughts should be compared to those of Aristotle. (Not really).

When I suggested to meeting on a different night during the week, I was left with no response, which completely proved my theory. He didn't want drinks, he didn't want conversation, he just wanted to get laid. No hard feelings though, I am glad I was The One you wanted and sorry I wasn't coherent enough the first time we met.

Back to the topic at hand, seriously though, why do guys always just want sex? My one friend said: "I thought guys in the real world would have developed hobbies and interests other than vaginas." Sadly, that does not seem like the case. Whatever happened to meet ups and shared interests? If I want to go see a movie that I know we'd enjoy together, that doesn't mean I also want to sleep with you afterwards, and you men should be okay with that.

I understand that we're young, we're having fun, and we're all trying our best, but getting laid shouldn't always be the end game. Since when did "wanting to be social" and "wanting to bang" become synonymous with each other?
GIRLS, we need to start telling the truth. These silly excuses like: "I have my period;" "My dad hot-glued my private parts." Why do we say those things instead of telling the truth? Because of years of hearing that guys "get insecure" has trained us not to hurt a mans ego. Please. Not wanting to have a "party in my pants" and then kick me out of your apartment has nothing to do with your ego.

The Bottom Line from my Girlfriends:
#1

Stay true to what you want. Let a guy woo you and only have sex with him when it feels right for you. 

#2

Just go with the flow and let them use you for sex. Eventually you will find the guy that likes you for who you are. 

#3

A guy can't use you for sex unless you allow them to. Take responsibility for your own actions before its too late. 

#4

You just have to find the right guy. Tell them you aren't going to have sex if they ask. Don't worry you will eventually find the right guy. 

#5

Guys like him need Jesus. Go to Church or find a gym or go the library to avoid these people. 

But to you men, the next time you meet a girl, try and have a decent conversation without having to talk about 'the party'.

Till Next Time...
C

Hope.

I hope you fall in love with someone who always texts back and never lets you fall asleep thinking you are unwanted. 

I hope you fall in love with someone who holds your hand during the scary parts of horror movies, who holds your hand when life is also too, scary. 

I hope you fall in love with someone who see galaxies in your eyes and hears music in your heartbeats. 

I hope you fall in love with someone who tickles you and makes you smile on hard days and easy ones. 

But beyond all, I hope you fall in love with someone who will never leave you behind or take you for granted, someone who will stand by you when you are right and stand by you when you are wrong, someone who has seen you at your worst and has loved you still, someone who won't use you for their own personal agenda. 

I hope

You fall for someone who kisses you in the rain and hugs you in the cold. 

And wouldn't have you any other way. 

This is All.

If you're laying in bed

wrapped up in sheets 

of miserable thoughts 

Go to sleep 

If thumbing through old messages

only causes your heart to ache

and long for something unattainable

Erase them 

If it hurts to keep 

everything you're feeling 

bottled up inside

Let it out

If you're clinging onto someone 

that doesn't treat you like 

you're worth the world

Let them go 

because sometimes 

we choose to believe 

that things are only 

indistinguishable shades of grey 

when in reality, 

life is more black and white 

than it seems

If you're unhappy 

with the way 

you are living your life

Change it

Soulmates: A Reality or A Torture Device?

"According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two seperate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves." - Plato's The Symposium

When do you know that this person that you call 'other half' is really as people call it now a days: "the one". What reliable process does a person retain in order to know that their other half is the person that they plan on spending their entire life with. But I guess as my friend said recently, "when you know, you know". I'm just not sure that's enough information to tell oneself that this is your soulmate.

Society today has thrown this term 'soulmate' so loosely that I think people don't really know exactly what it is. Many of us have pondered on this concept, but honestly what is a soul mate? Do I have one? And if so, where is mine? The idea that there is one special person created just for you, is just a very very scary thought. 

Love is not logical, it is of the soul. Soulmates are brought into your life so that you can grow and expand into the best version of yourself. 

So, when do you know that you've stumbled across this soulmate of yours? 

Simply put, you don't. That's what makes the journey of love so exciting. You can be attracted to any person, you could have the same interests and hobbies, but that doesn't necessarily make them your soulmate. Your soulmate is your "other you", and no matter when you find them, they are always worth the wait.

But until then, we are searching or waiting for the one to arrive and let's just hope that 'the one' makes a grand entrance upon arrival. 

Till Next Time:

C